急求雅思作文批改及估分（悬赏20）

要修改的地方很多 ，我逐一解释 ：
首先，第一段的in this day and age 应改为Nowadays.
Towards 后面指的应为知识的追求而并非知识，提醒knowledge 改为......追求的名词，因为towrds后只能是名词.
第二段第一句就是topic sentence,应加入adverb,论点要深刻，形容词尽量使用高级的，例如：good , better, beneficial , 三个中以beneficial 比较好.
More over 不能分开,应为moreover . 给例子时要考虑例子和论点之间的cohesion .
第三段中electronic equipment 理解得很生硬，应改为electronic gadgets.

赶时间,火车上随便回答,bye

Hi, 爱京的小闰闰 I'm kyon

I have revised your essay. Generally speaking, the essay is good and it reflects your adequate word choices. Yet there are some inappropriate conjunctives. I can see you adopt certain "template" in the first and last paragraph. It's fine, but I guess you may need to be more flexible when writing the last paragraph, especially including the general idea of the above paragraphs.
Oh, be sure to check out the usage of "thereby".

In this day and age, people’s enthusiasm towards knowledge is far higher than ever before. Some assert that government should set up public library in each town, while others refute that it is unnecessary. From my perspective, their views have merit and demerit.

Granted, (establishing libraries) for free in each town benefits local readers. For students and book lovers(“bookworms”), it would be optimal if a free library is near (their home or school), thereby (having the instant access to latest bestsellers and periodicals.) Moreover, certain (bibliographies) recorded local history and saga are only preserved in local libraries. And these books will certainly be of great help (for) (the) new generation to learn and inherit their local culture.

(However), Failing to acknowledge the inefficiency of local libraries is erroneous. For the blueprint is clearly too ideal. It is (almost financially) impossible for governments to build (such considerable numbers of) libraries in a short term. If the authorities allocate too much money (on) local libraries, the expenditure on other domains (even including some more vital fields like hygiene and public security) will inevitably endure a curtail. Besides, Internet has its own advantage on both accessibility and land resources saving. People can downland e-books to portable devices, like Iphone and Ipad within a second. And online libraries is literally virtual, without taking up any land resources. That means conversely the land can be exploited to build other essential infrastructures in rural area.

To conclude(In conclusion), I concede that building library in every town can (benefit local residents). However, it would be unjustifiable should we overlook the inefficiency of allocating library to each town. On balance, I think the government could set up an internet-based library to meet the needs of local residents (without overspending the revenue).

Besh wishes,
Kyon